The best analogy for this BPD trait is the one to the side. The two year old toddler playing in front of the t.v. is assured that all is well because mom is right there with them folding the laundry while they play. But suddenly mom goes into the kitchen to check on dinner and the toddler looks around and doesn’t see mommy anymore. To them, mommy has gone and is never coming back. Suddenly the tears start to roll and the wailing commences. It’s only a matter of seconds before mommy hurries back into the room to comfort the child and to try and explain that she hadn’t left. She was just in the other room. She was right there all the time. But the child couldn’t understand that being in the next room was not abandonment. Because they couldn’t see mommy, mommy was no longer there.
Out of sight, out of mind? For a BPD person, this takes on a whole new meaning. Insecurities, infidelities, all sorts of emotions and actions crop up when the love interest in their life is out of sight. It could be as severe as the BPD person who wants their spouse with them every minute of the day. Or it could be the person who’s fine until the spouse goes away on a business trip or to visit family. Or what about the soldier who bravely goes away to fight and protect us only to find out that chaos has arrived on the home front upon their return.
The fears of abandonment are acute and intense. Emotionally mature individuals can be separated from a love one for extended periods of time because they udnerstand the loved one has other obligations and the separation does not equate to abandonment. Not so for the person with BPD. Separation and abandonment are one and the same. Like with everything, there are varying degrees of this, but it doesn’t take much reading to see that Object COnstancy is a big deal with BPD.