Two words that drive me crazy! (or at least they used to)
I have a new perspective based on something I recently read. I’ve always hated the term “soul mate” because I think it’s a trap and leads people to think that there’s only one person in the universe to whom they could be married. Further, it creates the “right person” myth that says if you just meet the right person, everything will turn out all right. Instead, I believe that by becoming the right person, you will naturally gravitate toward people who reflect your character, beliefs and values. To me, there were many people that I could marry, find compatability and a healthy, loving relationship. Likewise, my wife could have literally chosen from dozens and dozens of pontential relationships that would have led to a healthy and happy relationship. I’m not unique, I’m not her soul mate, I’m just glad she chose me. But one idea I’ve come to embrace is that, even though we were not “soul mates” at the beginning, now that we are married, something has changed. Now that we have committed to each other to love, help and support each other, we are now walking on a journey where we will become soul mates over time. We didn’t get married because we were soul mates, but because we’re married and committed to each other, we will become soul mates as we grow old together. So I don’t hate the term “soul mate” any longer, as long as it’s used to describe the ending and not the beginning.
Larry The Cable Guy
I consistently read posts by those in a relationship with a BPD that they are in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) about ending the relationship. Reasons often cited include children, financial issues, wedding vows, suicide threats and fear that no one else will help the BPD. The list goes on and on.
Many of us realize these reasons are put forward by the BPD as a means of control. We want to leave the relationship but we just can't seem to do it because we fall into one of the 3 categories of FOG. And so we continue to slide down into the abyss and we feel stuck and helpless.
The irony, I believe, is that we put tremendous pressure on ourselves because we don't want to be the bad person who ends the relationship. But what if we turned it around? What if we looked at things from a slightly different angle? I would argue that it's the BPD that has chosen to leave the relationship. They have made choices through their behavior. We are just carrying out the ramifications of those decisions if we decide to leave.
Let's use a simple business transaction as an example. I'm excited the day I move into a new home and the cable company shows up to install their service. We enter into a contract. I agree to pay and they agree to provide a service. At first, the relationship is great. I love my cable. But one day I come home and the cable isn't working. I'm angry. I'm beyond angry. It takes another 30 minutes before the cable comes back on. And so I decide the cable company is mean and evil. Look what they did to me! I know, I'm going to stop paying them. I don't deserve to be treated this way and so I'll show them. No more money from me! And for a while, life is great again. I'm watching my cable and I feel ok about them because I'm not paying for it. But one day I see the cable truck outside and realize they are there to cut the cable wire. The relationship is over. The cable company left me!
How many of us are the cable company? Did we leave the relationship or did the BPD leave it when they refused to live up to their commitments and responsibilities? I'm not advocating that anyone leave their relationship. What I'm suggesting is a different perspective on evaluating the relationship. Many of us are in relationships where the bill hasn't been paid in a very long time. We've just been very slow to send the truck out so that the wire can be cut.
The Deep End Of The Pool
When I was a kid, I went through life guard training. An ironic lesson was taught to me that I had trouble understanding until I witnessed it in person and then it made sense. Before that, I believed it was rational to think a drowning victim wanted to be saved. When the lifeguard swam to them, they would be relieved and would calm down and comply with what you told them to do so you could bring them to safety.
But that's often not the case. In fact, we were taught to approach a drowning person carefully and be prepared to physically manhandle them. Further, we were taught how to kick them, punch them, turn them around and other tricks designed to free ourselves from their grasp.
The reason for this is a drowning person is in a state of panic. If you swim up to them in a casual manner, the person is likely to grab onto you and then will push you under in an effort to climb onto your shoulders. The panic is so overwhelming that, rather than give up so you can rescue them, they will fight you in an effort to prolong drowning. The risk is that both of you drown, the victim and the rescuer. The victim has simply prolonged their own death when they could have been saved. The only difference is that you, the rescuer, are now dead. And until I saw this in action, it was not intuitive. But now that I understand it, it makes sense. Fear and panic overwhelm any sense of reason when you're about to drown.
And so it is with BPD. We so much want to rescue them. Can't they see everything we have done, and continue to do, for them? And yet we're met with abuse at every turn. Why is that? It's because they're drowning. They're drowning in their BPD and fear and panic have taken over. None of our rational rescue attempts make sense to them. They just don't want to drown and so standing on our shoulders and pushing us under is the only way to survive.
So the lesson here is two-fold: first, we must understand that not everyone wants to be rescued. What they really want is to not drown. That survival instinct overwhelms the desire to be rescued. The second lesson is for us to learn just how dangerous it is when we go into the deep end of the pool to try and rescue someone. We swim to them in a passive manner and expect them to float on their back while we Gaul them to shore while breathlessly professing profound thanks all the way in. But we know from experience it doesn't work that way. When we go into the deep end of the pool, we have to be prepared for a fight. We have to be prepared to defend ourselves. We cannot let the BPD get control of us. If they do, then we've lost the upper hand. We are no longer the rescuer. Now we are the second victim in need of rescuing. Guess who is going to be the first to drown?
Ebony and Ivory Live Together In Perfect Harmony
For most of us, the familiar refrain reminds us that the world is comprised of people from diverse backgrounds and that we should all try to live in harmony with each other. But what happens when you alone are told how diverse you are? Are you a good person one minute and a bad person the next? Congratulations! You’ve just been split! You see, it’s either all or nothing with someone with BPD. Either you’re the good person who can do no wrong, or you’re the bad person who can do nothing right. It’s not based on your behavior. It’s based on the BPD’s feelings about your behavior. Mature adults can understand that no one is perfect. Good people sometimes have bad or annoying habits. And even the most wretched of our society may have a good trait or two. Our personality and character is made up of our collective good and bad traits. We all want our good traits to overwhelm our bad ones but we acknowledge we have areas to work on. But with a BPD person, those traits can’t coexist. It’s simplistic in the eyes of the BPD person. You did something that makes me feel safe and that you won’t abandon me: hooray!, you’re a good guy! I didn’t like that expression on your face: Uh-oh! I knew you were a terrible person and it was just a matter of time before you left me!
Splitting is part of the deal. We’ve been on both sides of it. Sometimes there’s a long period of time in between. But I’ve also been split multiple times within a single day. As long as we respond to the splitting, and not the underlying reason behind it, we will get caught up in the drama and try to argue and defend ourselves. Good luck with that. To do that requires that you change someone else’s feelings. I don’t know about you but I don’t have that kind of ability.
Oh, I’m Sorry. Were You Asleep?
If I could just get to bed 30 minutes before she comes upstairs. That was my thinking because I wanted desperately to get settled and get into a deep sleep as soon as possible before it began. But eventually, the lights coming on, the loud banging noises in the closet, the gentle nudging…..are you awake? Why, oh why, must these conversations occur in the middle of the night? Don’t you know I have to get up in a few hours and try to work? I’m exhausted! And yet, there seems to be no remorse in waking you night after night to discuss the topic, in all likelihood, you discussed the night before…and the night before that…and the night before that…well, you get the picture.
Your mind doesn’t work like a BPD mind. For you, it can wait. You can have a discussion at a pre-arranged time or when it’s convenient. But when a BPD mind starts to churn (and it seems to churn a lot late in the evenings), the the conversation needs to happen….right now! Wait? There’s no time to wait! And so the BPD person thinks nothing of disrupting your sleep and baiting you into a discussion whenever the urge strikes. This can also occur at other times. Have you experienced this? The phone rings but you can’t answer it right now because you’re in a meeting. So you silence the phone. Only 30 seconds later, it rings again. Then it rings again and again and again. At some point after about 20 rings you finally step out of the meeting to call and make sure there’s not an emergency. You know there’s not but out of caution you check just the same because you’re a responsible person. What you find is someone on the line who wants to discuss an urgent matter with you..right now! Of course it’s not urgent and it could certainly wait…but not in the world of BPD. It’s because the intensity of the emotion is so strong…right now! To postpone and catch up later might mean the intensity has passed and that just isn’t the same as having a discussion at the very height of the emotional cycle.
So here’s a bit of advice. Make sure the difficult conversations are made at a time of you’re choosing. First, you can assure that you are well rested and prepared. Second, you’re likely to have the emotional cycle abate just a bit and make the conversation much more productive than when emotions are at their peak.
So I Can Feel Something
If you don’t suffer from a mental illness, it’s really hard to wrap your head around this. It just doesn’t seem to make sense. But as was explained to me, it makes perfect sense to a BPD. The person is numb. They don’t feel anything, or sometimes the pain is unbearable in their mind. And so they transfer the pain to the physical. And either it awakens them from their dullness or it transfers the pain from the mind to the body. Either way, it makes them feel better.
After several months of slipping into a deep depression, I walked by her in the kitchen alcove one day sitting at a desk. The long sleeves of the robe (at 5 o’clock in the evening) rode up her arms. And there is could see it. Later I would weirdly throw out the phrase: she’s a cutter. The lines were sharp and still wet with blood. Too many to count. All on the underside of the forearm, from the wrist to the elbow. Both arms. It was in that shocking moment that I realized there was more to this than I could fully comprehend. Why would someone do this to themselves?
Later I learned all about self-harm and how rpevalent it is and all the different forms it takes. This is one of the very sinister sides of BPD and is not for the feint of heart. Cutting or other forms of self-harm is a cry for help and a sign that the person needs professional help immediately. This is way beyond our abilities.
Only for a Moment and the Moment’s Gone
Finally! We finally had the conversation where the light bulb went off! It was the “aha” moment. I’m so relieved because I finally got my point across. They now see what I see. They acknowledge it and they seem to understand it and they promise to do something about it. The relief is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Now we’re getting somewhere. This has been a long and painful journey but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Acknowledging you have a problem is the first step in healing, right? Well now we’re on our way!
So you sleep like a baby and you’re so excited that tomorrow will be a new day, the first day, on the road to recovery. And then the bombshell. The breakthrough is no more. Everything that seemed so clear the night before has gone away. But last night didn’t you say? But no, you agreed with me last night that such and such was the case! How did you change your opinion so fast? So now you don’t think there’s anything wrong with you? You think i’m the one with these issues?
Sound familiar? Moments of clarity are so fleetingly teasing. They build up your hopes and then snatch them away like a Linus and lucy football kick. I can’t explain it but i’ve seen it over and over again. For some unknown reason (unknown to me), the BPD does have those moments where they can see and admit the issues that we see. But they can’t sustain it. Because somehow, some way, their minds won’t let them stay in Clearville very long. The fear of admitting a problem is too great. And so, in short order, the fog settles back in and the clear blue skies are no more.
But I Can’t SEE You!
The best analogy for this BPD trait is the one to the side. The two year old toddler playing in front of the t.v. is assured that all is well because mom is right there with them folding the laundry while they play. But suddenly mom goes into the kitchen to check on dinner and the toddler looks around and doesn’t see mommy anymore. To them, mommy has gone and is never coming back. Suddenly the tears start to roll and the wailing commences. It’s only a matter of seconds before mommy hurries back into the room to comfort the child and to try and explain that she hadn’t left. She was just in the other room. She was right there all the time. But the child couldn’t understand that being in the next room was not abandonment. Because they couldn’t see mommy, mommy was no longer there.
Out of sight, out of mind? For a BPD person, this takes on a whole new meaning. Insecurities, infidelities, all sorts of emotions and actions crop up when the love interest in their life is out of sight. It could be as severe as the BPD person who wants their spouse with them every minute of the day. Or it could be the person who’s fine until the spouse goes away on a business trip or to visit family. Or what about the soldier who bravely goes away to fight and protect us only to find out that chaos has arrived on the home front upon their return.
The fears of abandonment are acute and intense. Emotionally mature individuals can be separated from a love one for extended periods of time because they udnerstand the loved one has other obligations and the separation does not equate to abandonment. Not so for the person with BPD. Separation and abandonment are one and the same. Like with everything, there are varying degrees of this, but it doesn’t take much reading to see that Object COnstancy is a big deal with BPD.
It’s Time to Get Down to The Heart of the Matter
To understand why a BPD acts they way they do, we have to discard our way of thinking. We all have our own perspective on things. For those without a mental illness, we use logic and reasoning to figure things out. And so we assume that other people we come in contact with are logical and reasonable. You will never be able to understand the thoughts and actions of someone with BPD until you learn to look through their lens. And that lens is first and foremost, a fear of abandonment. It doesn’t matter if the abandonment is real or not. It’s simply the possibility that it exists and the fear that it invokes. Once you’ve learned to look at things through this lens, the BPD in your life will start to make sense. Some can live with this and maintain the relationship because they better understand the perspective and the behaviors are such that they can accept them and keep going. For others, understanding teh fear of abandonment might explain a lot, but it doesn’t help, and certainly doesn’t excuse, the unacceptable behaviors and so the relationship dissolves.
But to better understand the dynamics of the relationship and why things are as they are, you should always ask yourself how the issue at hand ultimately ties back to the fear of abandonment. It’s the lynchpin around which all the other traits and characteristics revolve.
Baby, Now That I’ve Found You I Won’t Let You Go
To finish the lyrcis of this Allison Krauss song…I build my world around you, I need you so, baby even though, you don’t need me, you don’t need me, no, no….
While I’ve always liked this song, I tend to listen more carefully to the lyrics these days. If you’re in a regular relationship, these lyrics don’t seem that alarming. But if you’re in a relationship with a BPD, the alarm bells are going off like crazy right now.
For most of us, we enjoy being around the people we love but we enjoy our alone time as well or enjoy being around other people. Clinginess is not a virtue. Quite frankly, it’s just the opposite. It’s a yucky trait that drives us insane. Will you please jsut leave me along and give me a little space? But for the BPD, enmeshment is an important part of the relationship. It signifies attachment on the deepest of levels. More than attachment, it involves intertwining one life with another such that undoing the relationship would be virtually impossible. Because of the fear of abandonment, intertwining the relationship reduces this fear. Going to it’s extreme, emeshment is the strongest form of dependence one could have. And as Scott Peck says in The Road Less Traveled, “Dependence upon another is not love. To be dependent upon another being is to be a parasite on that being.” And that’s why it feels so icky and unattractive to us. But the BPD couldn’t care less. Because it’s not about your feelings, it’s about theirs. And their fears out trump your needs every single time.
Are you involved in a relationship that can be described as enmeshment? If so, good luck because untangling this mess is going to be worse than untangling the Christmas lights that were put away last year.