I consistently read posts by those in a relationship with a BPD that they are in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) about ending the relationship. Reasons often cited include children, financial issues, wedding vows, suicide threats and fear that no one else will help the BPD. The list goes on and on.
Many of us realize these reasons are put forward by the BPD as a means of control. We want to leave the relationship but we just can't seem to do it because we fall into one of the 3 categories of FOG. And so we continue to slide down into the abyss and we feel stuck and helpless.
The irony, I believe, is that we put tremendous pressure on ourselves because we don't want to be the bad person who ends the relationship. But what if we turned it around? What if we looked at things from a slightly different angle? I would argue that it's the BPD that has chosen to leave the relationship. They have made choices through their behavior. We are just carrying out the ramifications of those decisions if we decide to leave.
Let's use a simple business transaction as an example. I'm excited the day I move into a new home and the cable company shows up to install their service. We enter into a contract. I agree to pay and they agree to provide a service. At first, the relationship is great. I love my cable. But one day I come home and the cable isn't working. I'm angry. I'm beyond angry. It takes another 30 minutes before the cable comes back on. And so I decide the cable company is mean and evil. Look what they did to me! I know, I'm going to stop paying them. I don't deserve to be treated this way and so I'll show them. No more money from me! And for a while, life is great again. I'm watching my cable and I feel ok about them because I'm not paying for it. But one day I see the cable truck outside and realize they are there to cut the cable wire. The relationship is over. The cable company left me!
How many of us are the cable company? Did we leave the relationship or did the BPD leave it when they refused to live up to their commitments and responsibilities? I'm not advocating that anyone leave their relationship. What I'm suggesting is a different perspective on evaluating the relationship. Many of us are in relationships where the bill hasn't been paid in a very long time. We've just been very slow to send the truck out so that the wire can be cut.