If you’ve ever been involved in a relationship with a BPD, you may find yourself in a recurring situation where you disagree on historical facts. This is an important issue because, in order to have a relationship based on trust and commitment, there must be a common denominator that both people view reality from the same vantage point. That’s not to say people don’t remember things differently. Details often vary from one person’s recollection to another. But do you often find that your BPD partner has a completely different memory of the facts than you? Does it leave you a little uncertain and befuddled that you can’t understand why the two of you are so far apart on the basic facts? And if you can’t agree with the basic facts, how in the world are you going to agree on the path forward in the relationship? While you might not be entirely accurate on the specifics, you’re probably closer to the truth in general than your BPD partner. That’s because, assuming a rationale person, the facts are the facts. Fatcs set the foundation. How you respond to the facts and how you feel about them are therefore the area of focus. You can analyze behaviors and outcomes as they relate to the basic facts. But facts are inviolable, they simply exist. Not to the BPD partner. For them, feelings and emotions are hwat matters. Those become the foundation against which other components are measured. Consequently, if a BPD’s feelings and emotions don’t match the facts, there’s a simply remedy; change the facts. Rather than evaluate their emotions and behaviors in a mature fashion (by examing them against a set of hard facts), their emotions rule and their feelings are inviolable. Consequently, they will alter the facts (and honestly believe their version of history) to support their feelings. To do otherwise would be to condemn their own feelings and emotions and that is just not possible. Their poor self-esteem won’t let them have a true examination of their behaviors, especially if they are out of line with what normal beahvior would be given the facts. So rather than address their bad behavior or over reaction to a set of circumstances, they simply alter the facts to fit their narrative. Presto! Problem solved. In some cases, these might just be slight tweaks and adjustments to the basic facts. But in some cases, their version of history is so completely different from yours, it makes you wonder if the two of you were actually recalling the same event. Instead of questioning your or their memory, understand this for what it is….by rewriting the facts, they can justify the feelings, emotions and behaviors they have exhibited. It’s a coping mechanism and a way for the BPD partner to feel good about themselves because, in light of their version of the facts, their feelings and behaviors were completely appropriate.